Accounts of Assault in Iran; You Have to Be a Woman to Know…

Rough hands are dragged across their bodies and breaths twist in their ears. Heart palpitations not from pleasure, but from fear—fear of the man who now controls the scattered pieces of their lives.

They have neither the courage to scream nor the ability to flee, for their lives, their daily bread, and the shelter of their four walls are bound to a man who holds them in his grip. Their weary bodies, which can no longer endure poverty, yield to the desires of a man whose control over their lives hinges on a single stroke of his pen. One signature can become their evening meal and their daytime refuge.

What you hear are the stories of women who, to obtain the simplest forms of social support, have been forced to submit to the desires of men who see women as mere objects for satisfying their sexual needs. Women who, responding to a call from Radio Farda, shared their life stories with us, and in return, had only one request: to change their voices so that these very words would not become ammunition for further harassment—a repeated request, and yet they remain, with all doors closed to them.

Alone. Unprotected and abandoned. Neither the law nor society protects female heads of households in Iran. They have no shelter and no support. In the prime of their youth and happiness, they were sent to the house of fate to leave in white clothes and exit in a white shroud. But when the man, whom the law calls the head of the household, abandons them, all doors are closed to their faces.

Let us listen to Mitra’s account, a woman who approached one of the organizations to receive support:

“I am a 52-year-old woman who lost my husband, who was a chef, ten years ago. I have three children. Unfortunately, my husband was not covered by any insurance and we received no pension or assistance from anywhere. After my husband’s death, I worked as a cleaner in people’s homes. Sometimes, at their parties and celebrations, in addition to cleaning, I also did cooking work. But despite all this, unfortunately the cost of living was so high that it was not enough to support my three children and myself. It was always the eighth of the month when I owed the ninth. I constantly had to borrow…”

In a family where only the man is the breadwinner, in the absence of social support for women, the death of a man can change the fate of several families. Nevertheless, women do their best to try to bring bread to the table of their small families. Zahra speaks of her husband’s death and life with her mother-in-law:

“I am 38 years old. I am the mother of a seven-year-old boy. I live together with my mother-in-law, who is 68 years old. My husband was killed in a car accident four years ago. We are in the Yakhchi Abad neighborhood, District 16 of Tehran, in a 50-square-meter house that belonged to my father-in-law. My mother-in-law, my son, and I live together. My husband was an only child. He had no siblings. Now, after his death, we live together in one house. This house is dilapidated and run-down, but we are grateful to have a roof over our heads and not be renters.”

According to the laws of the Islamic Republic, a man is considered the head of the household and, in addition to bearing the responsibility of providing for the family’s expenses, also has guardianship authority over the children. The Civil Code of the Islamic Republic also places the authority to determine housing in the hands of the man, and in return, grants him the right of women’s obedience; a right that some men extend to the women around them—female colleagues, female clients, and so on. In return for performing their duties, they expect obedience from women.

“I am a female head of household. The mother of three children. Three years ago, due to financial need, I went to […] to get a self-employment loan, but I was forced to submit to the demands of the person in charge of that work in order to provide for my own living expenses and those of my children, so that I could get my loan… Those were very dark days. For months I was exploited but could not say anything. On one hand, I was threatened, on the other hand, I was afraid for my reputation… Thank you for making the voice of me and other women who have been exploited heard by everyone.”

Although many organizations claim to support female heads of households and have established multiple laws to support women, no one speaks of their unwritten laws. Laws that until you submit to them, you cannot benefit from support. Mitra is a woman who was forced to submit to these laws:

“I went to clean… I met a woman who was […]. When she understood my life situation, she told me she would introduce me to the women’s empowerment headquarters […]. There they help destitute women to some extent. She introduced me there and I went and filed my case. That woman’s recommendation was very helpful. There was a man named […] whose case handler I became. He had to approve whether [support] was due to me or not. When I first saw that man, he seemed like a good person to me. He told me okay, I will help you. I was happy because I was going to get this help. That’s when he told me I will help you on one condition—that you be my friend. At first, I didn’t understand. I was shocked when he said we should be friends. I said what do you mean be friends? He said it means we should have a relationship. I still didn’t understand what he meant. I said I don’t understand, Mr. […]. He said I like you and I want us to have a relationship. Even if you’re a religious person, I’ll marry you in a temporary marriage and things like that. It was very difficult to make a decision about this matter, and what should I really do? With the children I had and the expenses I had, the rent and… I was very troubled. After some time, I gave in to this request. I saw I had no other way…”

In traditional families, family support can sometimes fill the gap left by social support. Sometimes a father and brother, or even a paternal cousin and the wife’s family can become a refuge during difficult times. But if you have neither social backing nor a traditional family, it’s enough for heavy rain to fall on your roof for you to need help. Let us hear from Zahra, a woman whose husband was the only child of his family:

“Last year when there was a lot of snow and rain, the wall of our house got damp and a part of the ceiling plaster fell. I was scared and very upset. I didn’t have money to repair it. Anyway, I went to the aid committee to help me. They told me to go there, they will help you. I went and contacted the women’s affairs office. From there I also completed some administrative matters. Then they told me a specialist needs to come and inspect how much it will cost and then they will do this work for me. Anyway, five days later, a man called me and said he wants to come see the house and things like that. It was around noon when he came to the house. From the very first moment that man entered the house, he knew he wanted to repair the house of a female head of household. He was leering, a contemptible man… He started making crude remarks and things like that. He was saying things that I, being just a woman, don’t understand why this man should behave this way?”

As emerges from the statements of women who are victims of sexual harassment, age and education level have no effect on the proposals they receive. It is enough to be a woman for them to allow themselves to make their proposal and apply pressure to the point where a woman has no choice but to submit.

Although according to Article 30 of the Constitution, the state is obliged to provide free educational and training facilities for all people until the end of secondary education and to extend higher education facilities to the point of national self-sufficiency for free, covering educational expenses is one of the tricks used to force women to meet men’s sexual needs. This time, let us hear from a mother who approached one of the centers claiming to support female heads of households to receive help with her daughter’s educational expenses:

“I was the head of the household. To cover my daughter’s university expenses, I went to […]. There they sent me to the social and cultural affairs department. I went to the head of that department and he also said tell your daughter to come to me so I can do her paperwork. I trusted him and sent my daughter. Don’t say that man had another purpose and entered into a relationship with my daughter. My daughter was forced to submit to that man’s demands in order to receive support from […], and this was a disaster that befell us, unfortunately.”

If you think that merely by covering expenses, starting a business, and getting employed at a state or semi-state company, female heads of households will have better days, you are mistaken. The nested and complex structure of companies and offices is such that what prevents complaints about such harassment from reaching their conclusion is the victims’ fear of retaliation. There are no statistics, no numbers on women who have been sexually harassed in administrative environments.

“I also want to inform you of what happened to me and I ask you to also address the problems of women in […]. My managers constantly made demands for friendship and illicit relationships. They said if you have a relationship, if you’re with us, your job future is guaranteed, you’ll have better benefits, a better position and contract… Because I didn’t submit to their requests, I faced a lot of workplace pressure and problems. Unfortunately, one day when my manager asked me to work overtime, my boss entered my room and assaulted me by force. I suffered very severe psychological damage and couldn’t even go to work anymore. They filed a case against me and ultimately created many problems for me.”

In the final years of the Iran-Iraq War, when the rising number of destitute women had become a serious crisis for the authorities of the Foundation of Martyrs, official platforms of the Islamic Republic were given to those who saw temporary marriage or Mut’a as a way for men to support these women—a form of marriage in Shiite jurisprudence in which, with a specified dowry and a set period, a man and woman enter into a marriage contract. The man can forgive the remaining period whenever he wishes and divorce her, and the woman, in return, has minimal legal protection to receive what is called the dower in full.

Critics of the prevalence of Mut’a in Iran believe that the prevalence of this form of marriage, in which minimal attention has been paid to ensuring women’s rights, opened a new avenue for pressuring women to submit to men’s desires—a marriage that is merely religious justification for taking control of a woman’s body.

“Look madam, in Iran, performing or entering into a temporary marriage is not a crime, it’s legal, that’s right. If my child hadn’t gotten sick, I would never have accepted that man’s forced temporary marriage with me. That man exploited our life situation but technically didn’t commit a crime that we could complain about in Iran. He forced us to be in a temporary marriage with him. We became forced into temporary marriage, out of financial need. In Iran, there is no legal way to complain about this exploitation. These people have strong connections, they have hands in the government, what could we do…”

It is not only temporary marriage that, according to Katayoun, results in futile complaints. Many sexual harassments against women, if they reach the stage of legal complaint, result in nothing, if they don’t make the woman’s circumstances even more difficult. Let us listen to Zahra’s words:

“I then went and told them that this man [who came for expert assessment and roof repair] was not being respectful at all. After a few days, the same man called me. He said that because you lied, I will complain about you. He said you are a widow, you’re looking for someone to be with and you’re trying to take advantage of my position. He said many bad and unfounded things to me. Not only did they not fix our roof after that, but they didn’t even respond to us again. In the end, my mother-in-law had to sell her gold. I also had a ring, I sold it. But to this day, that man keeps calling me with different numbers and harassing me. I’ve gone to different places several times, like the police and the telecommunications office, that this man is harassing me, but no one did anything about it. He still harasses me, he still calls me. I even changed my number and he still calls. He says bad things. He says come be in temporary marriage with me, come be with me. I’m afraid for my reputation because I’m a widow, I’m afraid to pursue this further, lest I become the subject of gossip in the neighborhood. I went to solve my problem and they created a bigger problem for me. Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my problem. I hope that this shameless man will one day face the consequences of his actions.”

The continuation of verbal, telephone, and street harassment is only part of the price paid by women who have refused such demands from men. As female heads of households who are victims of this pressure say, whatever the bitter memories of your response to such requests, it will never leave your mind. Katayoun speaks from her experience:

“My friend and I have now started a tailoring workshop with that man’s money and we cover our children’s expenses. Before I entered into a temporary marriage with him, he would tell us there was no loan, no budget, bring a guarantor… He made a thousand excuses. He always said if you enter into a temporary marriage with me, I will start your work, give you money, be your guarantor, solve your problem. I swear to God, madam, we were willing to take a five million tuman loan without any hassle, but we never want to experience the psychological and mental harm we suffered in the temporary marriage relationship with that man. It’s really painful to describe the details, madam. You’re also a woman, you can understand us, madam. We were forced, they forced us out of financial need. There’s no work in Iran, nothing, something that was our right… Well, the self-employment loan that was our right, they went round and round with us, we were forced to submit to his demands. We suffered psychological and mental harm.”

Sometimes breaking free from the grip of a man who exploits a woman’s body in providing lawful assistance is not difficult. But what can a female head of household do with the memory of all that suffering?

“I had a relationship with that man for about two years. I did everything I could to increase my income, to save… After two years, I gradually distanced myself from that man… I couldn’t anymore. I really couldn’t. Those two years are the worst memories of my life. A dark spot in my existence, but I had no choice. I had no choice because he left me no other way… After that, for a while I saved money and found somewhat better financial circumstances. I was able to set up a home kitchen where I could cook food myself. In addition to working there myself, I hired three other women to help me with this work. My business picked up, things got a little better… I had gotten out of that state. But unfortunately it’s very, very difficult… to be a female head of household, to work and alongside it sell your soul and have a guilty conscience, to do something you don’t want to do… It was difficult for me and I left bad memories for myself psychologically… but I had no other choice… I had no other choice but this was a reality of my life. I had to make money so I could take my children out of their previous state to at least a middle-class life. Our society is not a good society. Our society is not a good society for women at all… Unfortunately I was forced to sell my soul… to sell my soul so I could build a good life for myself and my children…. Sometimes I look at these memories and think, I see that I had nothing but suffering and hardship in all the life I’ve lived… I hope that no woman, no one is subjected to our circumstances and that our society at least gives women their rights… at some basic level, gives them to her…”

You have to be a woman to know that the memory of those rough hands, that breath twisted in your ear, those endless nights of coercion, will never leave your mind. These female heads of households carry a burden of suffering that their request for help from government and non-governmental organizations has placed upon them. Organizations that were built to help these women but only add endless suffering to their pain.